There's a quote from a popular book/movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" that reads:
"I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
It may sound a little confusing to some. Happy and sad mean two opposite things, so how could you be both?
For me, I live in 24/7 constant sickness. There's always something going on inside my body, whether it's another infection, a new symptom, progression of my illnesses, a side-effect of my meds, a common virus, chronic pain, etc... There is always something ravishing internally, sometimes worse than others. But there's also so much that goes on that isn't physical. I call them side-effects of chronic illnesses: loneliness/isolation, loss of independence, grief of our 'old lives', and so many more. To fight a never ending war is something that there are no words to explain. To be in relentless, excruciating pain more often than not, is something that no one can ever comprehend unless they have gone/go through it themselves. To spend over half of the last several years of your life inside the same four walls in the hospital, while toxic medications are pumped through your bloodstream, being unaware of the long-term effects it will have on you, is something that there are no words to explain.
To feel excluded from the world around you, those closest to you not being able to understand, is a heart-wrenching feeling. My illnesses are isolating no matter how much I try to deny that they are not. But these all sound like the low points in life, or the bottom of the roller coaster I'm currently on. So how am I happy and sad when everything I just explained sounds pretty depressing?
There is so much more to me and my life besides my illnesses. I am a daughter, a baby sister, a best friend, auntie, cousin, niece, grand-daughter, and dog owner. I have so many people in my corner who are fighting my battle with me. I have the determination to fight these same demons, day in and day out, for the rest of my life. A perspective on life that remains strong even through all my weaknesses. Sure, I still get sad. I still get defeated on certain days, where it feels like I can't possibly go on. But my love for life remains too strong to give me any other choice besides one: to wake up every morning and fight through that day's battle. I see little positives in things, that others wouldn't see. I take those positives and let them fuel the fire inside of my soul. I look around at my life and smile, because there can be so much beauty in brokenness.